“So, what has you so dissatisfied?”
It was a question I couldn’t quite answer. I didn’t feel dissatisfied. In fact, for once I felt stable in almost every area–my work, my home life, my health, my emotions. There was no drama. No next crisis.
So, why did I explain my predicament using that word… dissatisfied?
Coming off a rather slow weekend (and a poor night of sleep), I was having trouble addressing my feelings. I felt aimless. Purposeless. Sure, I had things to do, but did they really matter? Or was I just filling my time?
My feelings echoed those of depression.
“But, I’m not depressed,” I said to one of my best friends as we chatted over lunch, digging deep into my emotions that day. “I’m really doing quite well. This is different. It’s like I’m just waiting around for ‘what’s next.’ I dunno, maybe for once since I moved down here, nothing is going wrong, so I don’t know what to do with myself.”
And then he asked me the very question I was asking myself all weekend, and just didn’t know it: “It sounds like now that your goal isn’t to just “get your life in order,” the question becomes: what will you do with it?”
A New Challenge: Waiting
I pondered an answer to that question. What will I do with my life now?
The answer is this… I’ll keep “getting it together.” After all, at some fundamental level, aren’t we all doing that?
The difference now is not the goal, but how I’m going about it. This phase I’ve entered is entirely new to me. I’m no longer in the “pull yourself up by the bootstraps” phase, or the “start something new and hope it works” phase.
I’m in the “you’ve got it. Now make it stick” phase.
It’s a phase I don’t enter often. And it’s a new challenge in its own right.
I’m not good at slow and steady. I’m not good at stability. Fast-paced, hard worker, put in all you have until you can’t anymore–that’s me. I’m the sprinter. The quick-starter. The go-getter.
But what does a go-getter do when when she’s gone… and she’s gotten?
She implements. She practices. She makes sure that her new-found skill, knowledge, whatever she’s “gotten” will stick around when the rough seasons come around again.
Because they will come.
So maybe I’m not waiting for the “next challenge” at all. Maybe waiting is the challenge.
I’m not aimless. I just I have to learn what life looks like when there are no fires to put out.
I think my new phase will look a lot like this: continue focusing on my health. Continue building relationships. Continue pursuing God-given gifts and talents. Continue worshipping Him for who He is.
Continue enjoying this season of peace.
For me, that’s a challenge. But it’s one I gladly accept.
What is God challenging you with in this season?